our writing on the wall
by Caught Ink Handed
Summary: Tonks was no stranger to heartbreak. In the past year alone, it felt like her heart had been crushed to dust. She didn't have it in her anymore. It was time to move on. There was a war going on and she was right in the eye of the storm. -or- Remus and Tonks don't sort it out after the famed hospital scene in the Half Blood Prince and everything is pain and angst until it isn't.
1. you land badly, but crash standing

**our writing on the wall (is lorem ipsum after all)**

 **chapter i. you land badly, but you crash standing.**

 _"You see!" said a strained voice. Tonks was glaring at Lupin. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!_

 _"It's different," said Lupin, barely moving his lips and looking suddenly tense. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely -"_

 _"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times. . . ."_

 _And the meaning of Tonks's Patronus and her mouse-colored hair, and the reason she had come running to find Dumbledore when she had heard a rumor someone had been attacked by Greyback, all suddenly became clear to Harry; it had not been Sirius that Tonks had fallen in love with after all._

 _"And I've told you a million times," said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor . . . too dangerous. . . ."_

 _"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," said Mrs. Weasley over Fleur's shoulder as she patted her on the back._

 _"I am not being ridiculous," said Lupin steadily. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."_

 _"But she wants you," said Mr. Weasley, with a small smile. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."_

 _He gestured sadly at his son, lying between them._

 _"This is... not the moment to discuss it," said Lupin, avoiding everybody's eyes as he looked around distractedly. "Dumbledore is dead. ..."_

 _"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," said Professor McGonagall curtly, just as the hospital doors opened again and Hagrid walked in._

 _-Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Chapter 29: The Phoenix Lament, pgs. 790-792_

* * *

In the bustle of everyone leaving the hospital wing, Remus had not noticed Tonks disappear. After casting yet another pitying glance Bill's direction, he hurried out of the wing, not saying a word to the remaining Weasleys. He assumed she would be returning to her flat in the village, so he made his way to the entry hall.

Large chunks of rock decorated the floor, creating a jagged minefield. He could see a light brown head almost at the door.

"Tonks!" he cried, "Nymphadora," At the sound of her first name, Tonks faltered. In that moment, her foot caught on an outlying piece of stone. The result was instantaneous. Tonks went sprawling. Remus, instinctively, lunged forward, making his way across the stone carefully.

"Go away," yelled Tonks at the sound of his nearing footsteps. She hauled herself onto a large piece of rock nearby, and hastily wiped her eyes dry.

"Are you alright?" he asked in his soft, caring voice. Those words proved to be her breaking point.

In an instant, she was on her feet and her voice was dangerously low, much like her cousin, Sirius' when he was mad. "Do I look okay, Lupin?" She spat the name out like it was poison. "I'm just peachy,"

"Look,-"

"No, you look. I am in love with you. Don't you get it, you git?" Remus opened his mouth again, but Tonks plowed on, "I can't even morph anymore."

Remus took a step closer to her, his blue eyes boring into hers, "But don't you get it? I'm an old, dirt poor, _werewolf_. I am one of the most dangerous creatures you will ever have the misfortune of meeting."

Tonks let out a harsh, cold laugh. It sounded eerily similar to Bellatrix's, but Remus would never mention that, "Look around here. We are fighting a war. There are people out there who want to kill us. Hell, my own aunt wants me dead more then she does Harry. I'm more afraid of her than you. You couldn't hurt anyone, ever. You think you're so dangerous, then duel me. Let's see how dangerous you are." She challenged, eyes flashing menacingly.

"Nymphadora," he sighed dejectedly.

"Don't. Call. Me. Nymphadora."

"Fine, Tonks, I am a feral werewolf. It doesn't matter if I can't beat you in duel, which I'm sure I can't. When I'm a wolf, I hurt people."

"Then I won't be around you. It's one day in a month. That's only 12 days a year."

"For Merlin's sake, I am 13 years older than you. I could be your father."

"If you had a kid when you were 13. And let's face it you're too much of a goody two shoes. Remus, I don't care. I've never cared. You're a wonderful guy. The best man I've ever met. And you know what, I fell in love with you. Don't you understand?" Her eyes had lost their fight, and seemed more pleading than usual. "Don't you get it? I love you."

"Tonks, it would never work-"

"Just please tell me, did you ever love me? Or feel anything at all? I have to know."

For not the first time in his life, Remus Lupin was completely and utterly lost for words. "I…. I-I-I have to go," his mouth said the words, but his brain was screaming protest. His feet, agreeing with his mouth - the traitors - carried him out of the open doors of Hogwarts Castle.

Tonks, her heart crushed to a million pieces, sank down on to the stone. She wanted to cry, but there were no tears left in her. Instead of the usual pain that normally tore through her chest, she felt a bubble of anger and frustration rising in it's place.

"Hello," an airy voice broke into her thoughts, "Why are you crying?" Tonks raised her head and saw a girl with ethereal blue eyes and gossamer blonde hair that floated around her shoulders.

"Uh…"

"Was that Professor Lupin?" The girl continued lightly.

"Yes," Tonks managed, not quite trusting her voice yet.

"Are you related to Ginny?"

Tonks paused for a moment, utterly confused, "Ginny? Ginny Weasley? No… I'm not."

The girl's eyes widened in surprise, "Really? You have nearly the same hair color as her, and all Weasleys have the same hair. I didn't know she had a sister."

Tonks lifted a strand of her hair to her eyes and a gasp escaped her lips. It was flaming red, quite like the Weasleys' as the girl had said. A slight smile twisted her lips, the two conflicting emotions of excitement and sadness fighting. "No, I'm not related to the Weasleys. Tonks," she stuck out her hand like her mother had always badgered her about. The girl took it gently, and then released it.

"Luna Lovegood," she announced breezily. "Your hair is blue now." She stated as if it was a perfectly normal thing for people to do.

Tonks' eyes flashed to her hair, which was indeed a pale blue color. "Oh yeah, it does that."

"You must be a metamorphagous then, they're very rare," she said absentmindedly.

Tonks bobbed her head awkwardly and agreed, "Yeah, I am."

Luna Lovegood stared at her for a moment, somehow making Tonks squirm slightly under her gaze. "Well, I'm quite hungry now. I'm going to get some food. Goodbye, Tonks," Luna drifted away, disappearing into the staircase that led to the kitchens.

Tonks stared after the strange girl, distracted for a moment. But then she was yanked back to reality and the heartbreak it contained. She buried her head in her hands, trying to protect herself from a pain that was already firmly lodged in her chest.

Another set of footsteps echoed in the hall. Tonks glanced up through her fingers, but made no motion to leave. "Tonks?" Molly asked softly, "Are you aright, dear?" Molly picked her way between the jagged stones to where Tonks sat. "Tonks?" Molly laid a gentle hand on her back, and that time she looked up. "Oh, sweetheart." Before Tonks had time to react, Molly engulfed her in a tight hug. "It'll be alright, it's going to be okay." she soothed.

"He just left…. I asked him if he ever loved me and he left." She managed weakly. "Why does he keep doing this to me?"

"Because he's a man. They do stupid things trying to protect us." Molly said in a motherly tone. "Tonks, can you morph again?" She asked softly, looking at Tonks' rapidly changing hair.

"Oh… yeah. I guess I can." She screwed up her eyes in an attempt to stop her hair from going haywire. It settled on a deep shade of blue.

"But how?"

Tonks paused, unsure of what to say. "I don't really know. It could be because I gave up. I just- I can't keep caring about him and trying to make him care about me. It just hurts too much," she trailed off. "Thank you, Molly. I think I'm just going to go to my parents' for a while. I'm sorry about Bill." Tonks gave the older woman a watery smile and a quick hug before following the same path Remus had nearly 10 minutes earlier.

She quickly found the spot just outside the gates where it was possible to apparate and turned on her heel. Stumbling slightly, Tonks found herself in a small Muggle park near her parent's house. It was a short walk from the park to her parents, and the night was warm, so it wasn't too bad.

The small cottage was framed by picture perfect gardens, quite contrary to the gloom and doom of the outside world. Tonks pushed open the small gate, careful to avoid the loose cobble stone she always tripped over. No lights were on in the house. Tonks glanced down at her watch, forgetting that she had broken it many months ago. She knocked softly on the door. Sounds were soon heard within the house. She could just barely hear her parents' mutters.

"Where you expecting anyone, Ted?" Her mother questioned softly.

"No, you?"

"No." Andromeda replied warily.

"Could it be Dora?" Ted suggested before peering out of the side window. "Dora!" He moved to open the door, but Tonks held the door fast.

"Dad, security question?" Tonks insisted firmly, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment.

"Right, sorry, Dora." Ted mumbled, releasing the doorknob.

Dad, what was your nickname for me when I was little?"

"Monkey,"

"Mum, what did you say to me when I graduated from Hogwarts?"

"That you better be the best auror in the program if I was going to suffer through that stress," Tonks released the knob, allowing her parents to usher her in. Her father immediately pulled her into a bear hug.

"Dora, what's going on? It's 6 in the morning." He mumbled into her hair. A few tears trickled out of her eyes and she hurriedly brought a hand up to wipe them away.

"Dumbledore's dead." The words fell from her mouth heavily, clunking into the room, lingering in the air.

Andromeda clasped a hand to her mouth in shock. Ted stumbled backwards, clutching on to the edge of the table. A moment of silence passed between the family in mourning.

 __"How?" Ted.

"Who?" Andromeda.

"Snape," Tonks spat out, "He killed him, top of the Astronomy Tower. Harry Potter was there along with a handful of Deatheaters. There was a fight at the school. Bill Weasley…."

"He's not dead, is he? Molly will be devastated,"

"No, Mum, he's not dead. Greyback was there, it wasn't the full moon, but he attacked Bill. Mauled him more like." She added bitterly, "His face is all torn up, but L-Lupin doesn't think he'll turn into a wolf, just have some more wolf like tendencies."

Andromeda was already in the process of pulling down cups and putting a kettle out to boil as she said, "That's awful, the poor boy. Wasn't he going to get married? To that French girl?"

Tonks' fist clenched until her knuckles turned white, "They're still getting married. She doesn't care that he's a werewolf," she mumbled bitterly. She sank into one of the chairs surrounding the kitchen table, her hands twisting in her filthy robes.

"Good for her. That boy has enough on his plate right now. And there's always room in the world for a little more love." Ted declared, oblivious to the pained expression on his daughter's face. Andromeda set two steaming cups of tea in front of them before sitting down across from Tonks.

Her eyes were focused on her daughter, who glared bitterly into her cup of tea. "Mm-hm," Tonks agreed, unable to look either of her parents in the eye.

"So I see you're morphing again?" Andromeda observed softly, taking in the deep blue color.

"Yeah, don't know what happened," she mumbled rather unconvincingly. Andromeda arched an eyebrow, but remained quiet.

Ted gulped down his tea loudly, saying, "I better go and get dressed for work. Busy schedule today." Andromeda nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on her moping daughter.

As soon as Ted left the room, Andromeda asked, "So, now will you tell me what happened?"

Tonks fiddled with a loose string on her shirt before quietly replying, "Uh, Lupin and I had a fight."

"A fight?" Andromeda's eyebrows shot up.

"Yes, I may have confronted him in front of most of the Weasleys, Harry, and Minerva McGonagall. Then we fought again in the Entrance Hall and he left. I'm done. I'm absolutely done with him. I can't handle this. There's too much going on. Dumbledore's dead. The world's falling to shit. And Bellatrix is out for my head." She growled, her knuckles white around her mug.

"Bellatrix," Andromeda muttered darkly, "of course. Nymphadora," she paused momentarily as her daughter made a muted protest, "you must be careful. Bellatrix has no morals, no limits; she will do anything to get what she wants."

"I will, Mum." Tonks mumbled into her mug.

"But you are morphing again, that's something,"

Tonks let out a short, harsh laugh, "Yes, that is something." She picked at her hair with a dissatisfied air. "He-"

Her words were cut off as her father came down the stairs, already talking, "Dora, is there anything I can do to help with anything?" Ted took a good long look at his daughter before opening his arms, "Come give your old man a hug, would ya?" Tonks nodded and walked into his arms, sighing softly as he wrapped his arms around her. He squeezed her tightly and whispered, "I'm so proud of you, Dora." He pulled back and ruffled her hair teasingly, "I'll see you later, monkey." Ted moved over to his wife and gave her a quick kiss, "I love you, 'Meda,"

"Love you too. Be safe," Ted was out in a whirl of robes and a crash of a chair. Andromeda stood to right the chair her husband had knocked over and asked, "Are you hungry, dear? Oh, of course you are, you've been in a battle. And you are just skin and bones, love. _Mon trésor_ , you need to take better care of yourself." Tonks nodded numbly, her gaze a million miles away. As Andromeda busied herself in the kitchen, she asked, "What were you saying before your father came down? Something about a he? Was it Remus?"

Tonks flinched slightly at the mention of his name but nodded nonetheless. "While we were- were fighting, I asked him if he had ever even had any feelings for me. And then he just left. He had nothing to say. I'd say that has a pretty big message. But maybe it's for the best,"

Andromeda stopped what she was doing and rushed to Tonks' side. "Nymphadora, don't you ever say that it is okay for somebody to hurt you. If he can't see how wonderful you are, then he isn't worth your time." Tonks looked up at her mother with wet eyes, wiping away imaginary tears hurriedly.

"I know. It's just… it just hurts."

"Oh sweetheart," Andromeda said no more, just pulled her daughter into a hug. Tonks winced as the last vestiges of adrenaline drained from her body. A long, painful gash on her arm decided to make itself known. "What's wrong?"

"There's a cut on my arm," whimpered Tonks softly. She peeled off her leather jacket, wincing at her sore muscles. The exposed skin below the hem of her t-shirt was purple and bloody. "Bloody hell. Must've gotten cut on a rock or something."

"Rock?" Andromeda pulled out her wand, and began tapping the skin around the wound.

"Oh yeah, that nut-job Rowle was firing off blasting charms as we dueled. He hit part of the ceiling and it caved in." Tonks let out a hiss of pain as Andromeda waved her wand over the wound itself. "Shi- Debris was flying everywhere. It was impossible to see anything. Then a group came down from the Astronomy Tower and they started leaving. It was chaos. Merlin's pants, Mum, do you have to do it so tight?" she whined, watching as her mother wound a bandage around the wound.

"Yes, Nymphadora, I have to, or else it won't heal properly. Now hold still. I'm almost finished. And once I'm finished, I want you to go straight to bed. You look as if you haven't slept in days." Tonks nodded, sensing that it would do no good to argue with her mother. Andromeda tied off the bandage and cast another charm over it. "Alright, off to bed."

"Mum, I'm not four years old," Tonks added, already walking up the stairs, Andromeda trailing after her.

"You left some pajamas here last time you stayed." Tonks cringed to think of that time. In the weeks following Sirius' murder, due to her injuries, she had to be living with someone else. And since the Order had been dispersed from Grimauld Place, that just left her parents' house. Those couple of weeks had been brutally painful, in addition to being incredibly cathartic.

Tonks tugged the clothes out of the drawer and disappeared into her bathroom to change. Taking off her shirt proved to be a challenge due to the gash on her arm and the number of ribs she could count alarmed her.

Another bubble of anger boiled inside her. She hated him—and herself—for causing this.

As she slipped on her ratty pajamas, she tested out how far her morphing skills could go. Tonks was able to change hair colors and eye colors, but the more complex morphs were eluding her.

"You alright in there, love?" called Andromeda, "Don't you dare unwrap that bandage."

"I won't, Mum." She reemerged, slightly readjusting her shirt over her arm. Sighing heavily, she sank down onto her childhood bed. Andromeda readjusted Tonks' blanket and softly hummed one of the lullabies of her childhood. Tonks shifted deeper into the pillow, her mind drifting. For the briefest of moments, Tonks wished that she was a little girl again and had no perception of the hurt the world would inflict.

O-o-O-o-O

Tonks woke, bleary eyed and in slight pain as she rolled onto her wounded arm. For a moment, she couldn't remember where she was. But then the events of the past night crashed back. She moaned slightly, her fingers searching under her pillow for her wand.

"Looking for this?" a gruff voice grunted from the other side of the room.

"Bloody 'ell, Mad-Eye. Give me my wand back."

"Constant vigilance, Nymphadora," growled Mad-Eye, tossing her her wand.

"I had it with me!" Tonks swiped at her eyes in an effort to wake up further.

Mad-Eye grumbled something about constant vigilance and the like before softening ever so slightly. "How are you, kid?"

"A bit sore, a bit tired, but Rowle's aim is awful." She said cheerfully.

"Nymphadora, do not give me that. Albus mentioned that you weren't looking well. Lupin as well." Tonks' eyes dropped away as her gut twisted traitorously. "Ah, I see." Tonks twisted her hands in her blanket, her cheeks flushing red, "You're morphing again."

"Yeah."

"That's good."

"Yeah."

"Are-"

"Look, Mad-Eye, is there a reason you're here? Because I'm really not up for this right now." Tonks snarled.

"I came to tell you there's an Order meeting."

"You couldn't just send an owl or a patronus?" Tonks asked sharply.

"And I wanted to see how you were feeling. You look bad, girl."

"Gee, thanks, Mad-Eye, always a charmer." She pushed the blanket away roughly and stood, barely even caring that she was dressed in a t-shirt and shorts.

"What happened to your arm?"

"Rowle has really bad aim. He blew apart the ceiling." Tonks grabbed her clothes from the night before and stormed into her bathroom. She made a show of slamming doors and drawers, "Who called the meeting?" she yelled through the door.

"Lupin."

"Excellent," she muttered under her breath. "Where is it? Not Grimauld Place?"

"No, no, it's at the Burrow. That's one of the only safe houses left. And Hogwarts is in disarray."

"When are they going to have the funeral?"

"In the next day or so. The term was nearly finished and they want to get the students back home as soon as possible."

Tonks slammed the door to her bathroom roughly, hoping that her morph would hope up well enough to not show her true state. Mad-Eye looked her up and down and gave a grunt of consent. "Come on girly, we're late."

Mad-Eye led the way downstairs where her mother was waiting with sandwiches in hand for her. "Here you go, Nymphadora. Send Molly and Arthur my love." Andromeda gave her daughter a quick hug.

Mad-Eye tugged her outside and gestured for her to grab his arm. Tonks felt that familiar tug around her navel as she grasped Moody's arm. As they landed, Tonks let out a curse as she tripped into the small duck pond. Moody's attempt to stabilize her did nothing to help as he grabbed her injured arm.

"Damn it! Damn it to Hades and back!" She yelped, brushing off some pondweeds. "Nice one, Mad-Eye." Mad-Eye waved his wand at her and her clothes dried instantly. "Thanks," she turned on her heel and stormed off towards the Burrow.

"Oi! Nymphadora, stop this instant." Mad-Eye limped after her. "I don't claim to know what you're going through, but I will not have you acting like some goddamned teenager. You are an auror, and a damned good one at that. I'm not saying that you or Lupin is right here. Yes, I know something happened between the pair of you; I'm old, not stupid. But there's a war on, so get it together, Nymphadora."

Tonks paused for a moment, inhaling deeply. "Alastor Moody, if you call me Nymphadora one more time, I will set your leg on fire." With a broad grin that she hadn't used for six months, she turned away from Moody and continued on her way to the Burrow. Mad-Eye shook his head at her retreating form before following after her.

Molly was overjoyed to see them both and spent a solid chunk of time fussing over Tonks, "We tried to talk to him, dear. But he isn't-"

"Molly, it's fine," Tonks waved away the older woman, an easy smile sliding onto her face.

Molly stared at her in shock, but nodded nonetheless. Mad-Eye patted Tonks on the shoulder as he trudged past her. The small living room was filled to the brim with Order members. Tonks could instantly pick out Lupin and was careful to stay as far away from him as possibly.

Kingsley approached her with some auror business, quickly distracting her. As they chatted, she could feel a number of stares bore into the back of her dark purple head. One was Molly's; she could practically hear her fretting. Another was Arthur's, also one of pity and concern. She could feel Remus's angry, or rather frustrated eyes. Normally she would've returned the look, but her mother and Mad-Eye's words reminded her not to.

A man cleared his throat at the front of the room, bringing the room to order. "Well, now that we're all here," began Lupin, shooting a not-so-subtle, not-so-friendly grin in her direction, "we should begin. I know that all of you have things to do, but I'm afraid that our situation has changed."

"Oh really?" Tonks muttered to Mad-Eye darkly.

"Albus Dumbledore is dead. He was killed by one of our own: Severus Snape. This came as a shock to many of us. And Dumbledore's loss is horrific, but we must not lose heart. Voldemort is still out there. The Death Eaters are out there. They will not wait as we mourn. Dumbledore was a great man. I owe much of my life to him. And I believe that many of you share this. However, he would not want us to waste time mourning him while this evil still exists. He would want each and every one of you to fight back: fight for what you love, protect what you love." Lupin's dark blue eyes darted up and found Tonks' at the back of the room.

Tonks felt as if shards of glass were attacking her heart. She dug her nails into her palms, crossing her arms firmly across her chest. She held his gaze, unwilling to back down.

The tension in the room was palpable. Many eyes glanced back and forth between the werewolf and the auror.

Thankfully, Mad-Eye broke the silence. "Alright, we're going to need to get new safe houses; reassign Potter's guard – the boy turns seventeen soon and his mother's protection will break; I want to set a guard at Hogwarts until the students go home; and I want somebody to find that lowlife, son of a bitch Snape." As Mad-Eye began barking orders at people, Tonks slipped away.

The Weasley kitchen was blessedly empty. Tonks inhaled a shaky breath and leaned against the long wooden table for stability. She knew it would be tough to have to face Re- Lup- him every day, but it was like he was purposefully aggravating her. Tonks tried to focus on her breathing like her Gran had taught her. The bustle of the meeting behind her proved to simply be white noise.

"Tonks?" A familiar voice interrupted her breathing. "Oi, loser!"

Tonks looked up with a grin, "Who you calling a loser, jerk?" The redhead pulled her into a friendly hug, clapping her on the back. "How's it going, dragon boy?"

"Pretty well. You?"

"I've been better. Just needed some air." She explained, nodding towards the meeting.

"I know what you mean. Mum is harping on me: 'Oh, Charlie, why can't you find a nice girl like your brother?' Honestly, she didn't even like Fleur until less than twenty-four hours ago. I'm content with my dragons. And anyway, I don't think that the middle of a war is exactly the best place for romance, eh?"

"Yeah, I suppose so," her dark eyes darted ever so slightly back to the room. "Are you staying in England, or are you heading back to Romania?"

"I'm staying for Dumbledore's funeral, but then I think I'm heading back. Any international help we can get will be huge. But we'll see what Mad-Eye and Lupin have to say." He said cheerfully, shrugging one shoulder. "Well, Mum sent me out to get refreshments for everyone, so I better get on that. It was good seeing you, loser."

"Yeah, you too, jerk," teased Tonks, giving Charlie a sharp jab in the ribs. She took a deep breath before heading back into the meeting. Mad-Eye shot her a concerned look, which she waved off.

"Tonks, you're with me." Mad-Eye called. Tonks let out a sigh of relief; heaven forbid she was paired with some one who had witnessed her slight mental break, or Lupin. "We'll be setting up safe houses. While we're on the topic…" Mad-Eye gave them all one of his self defense and safety lecture, one which Tonks could recite word for word, and did, with actions, drawing some weak laughter from the listeners. Tonks smiled to herself; at least she could make a couple people laugh in these dark days.

After a few people gave rather useless reports on Death Eater movements, the meeting was winding down. Molly and Arthur cornered her as soon as Lupin called the meeting finished.

"Are you sure you don't need anything?" Molly asked urgently while her husband nodded in support.

"No, really, Molly, I'm fine. I'm going to stay with my mum and dad for a bit. Please don't worry, you have enough on your plate as it is."

"Girly, get your ass over here," barked Mad-Eye gruffly.

"Thanks Molly, Arthur. Mum sends her love. I'll be seeing you." She gave them a halfhearted wave before dashing to Mad-Eye's side. "Let's please get out of here." As they left, Tonks pulled out the sandwich Andromeda had given her. "You want some?" Mad-Eye shook his head, just continued hobbling along. "So where to first? And what do you mean setting up safe houses? Like the houses of Order members, or completely random houses?"

"Merlin's pants, girl, I forgot how much you talk." Mad-Eye held out his arm expectantly and she grabbed it without hesitation.

O-o-O-o-O

Mad-Eye and Tonks spent the days leading up to Dumbledore's funeral going to Order members' house as well as their allies and putting up extensive defensive spells. They had one encounter with a low level Death Eater who had tried to get the drop on them and who Mad-Eye had transfigured into a lemur.

He did ask her once about what happened with Lupin, and she had given him the barest details. After that, he had not mentioned it again.

Neither of her parents did either, but she could tell that her mother was lying in wait to ambush her.

The day of the funeral was bright blue and ironically cheerful. Tonks quite honestly did not want to go to this funeral. It would make it far too real. And she couldn't bear to see Harry, Ron, Hermione, or Ginny. She had made a fool of herself in front of all of them, and had dragged Lupin down with her (not that he didn't deserve it).

With a sigh, she pulled herself out of bed. After checking how many ribs she could see in the mirror, she pulled out her most formal and darkest clothing. Once she felt she was adequately dressed for a funeral, she focused on making her hair the most vibrant shade of pink as she could. Dumbledore had always liked the vibrancy and had seemed genuinely concerned when she had been unable to morph over the past year.

She made her way downstairs where her parents were eating breakfast. "Are you sure you don't want to go? McGonagall said you were welcome,"

"I know, love, but I think I might cause more issues. Especially if my dear sister was there that night, and anyway, I think I'm going to get some gardening done." Andromeda said, handing Tonks a plate of hash. "Your hair's very bright. Are you sure you don't want to go for something more subdued?"

"Dumbledore always appreciated the bright colors. I think he would find it amusing that I had bright pink hair at his funeral."

"Yes, but others might think it disrespectful." Andromeda argued.

"Well, I don't really care then," Tonks said between mouthfuls of hash. Ted rolled his eyes from behind his newspaper; this discussion was perhaps the most popular in this household, other than Dora's distinct lack of a love life.

"Fine, do what you want." Andromeda stood and began clearing away dirty dishes.

Tonks finished her breakfast in silence before rushing out of the house, already running a few minutes late.

She apparated just outside of the gates and could see a large crowd by the lake. To her displeasure, a certain werewolf apparated moments later. They were unable to look each other in the eye. Tonks chose to fill the silence by commenting, "Running a bit late, eh, Lupin?" As soon as the words left her lips, Tonks wished she could throw herself into the Black Lake.

"Yes, I had important Order matters to attend to. Why were you late?" He replied equally as hostile. "Fixing your hair?"

"Yep, because that's what all women do, is just fix their hair."

Luckily, for the safety of both, Mad-Eye intercepted Tonks and led her over to a row of aurors. "Play nice."

Tonks ignored the surprised stares of those around her as they took in her suddenly bright hair. Dawlish, the fool, nearly made a comment until Mad-Eye accidently stepped on his foot with his wooden one.

Tonks fidgeted all through the ceremony, her mind and gaze wandering. Her eyes skated over the crowd, taking in the number of ministry employees, including some who had been extremely vocal in their distaste for Dumbledore. The entire Hogwarts staff was there. Hagrid's half-brother was there. The centaurs and merpeople showed up. Most of the Order was there. Lupin was there. He looked tired—must be close to the full moon. That would explain the way he had snapped at her. Normally he would never rise to the bait of any of her barbs, but he seemed different, angrier in fact.

The ceremony came to a close and there was an instant flurry of movement. Mad-Eye prodded her in the side to get her moving. Tonks bounded up, nearly knocking over the row of chairs. Mad-Eye steadied her, grunting an insult in her direction.

They walked past the crowd of high-level ministry workers. Dolores Umbridge made her usual tutting noise and Tonks had to fight the urge to make a clopping sound, but figured that the volley from the centaurs was enough.

"Tonks, dear," Molly waved them over and Tonks couldn't help but dread seeing everyone. "How are you?"

"'m fine, Molly, stop your fretting," Tonks replied, thankful none of the kids were there to see her again. "How're you feeling, Bill?"

"Much better, but," he gestured to his bandaged face, "still on the mend. Like the hair, good to see you back in color." He shot her a smile full of pity.

That look of pity made her want to throw herself in the lake. "Oh, uh, yeah, thought Dumbledore would appreciate the pink."

"I still can't believe he's gone. Just never thought that he could die, you know?" Tonks nodded absently, "I mean he's Dumbledore; everyone just assumed that he would live forever…."

Bill's voice faded away as she noticed Arthur and _him_ chatting a few feet away. Her eyes darted traitorously towards the pair as Bill continued to talk. Molly noticed and Tonks was instantly on the receiving end of a pitying gaze. She continued to nod along to Bill and gave a gentle smile as he excused himself. The Weasleys began to drift away and Tonks hurried to Mad-Eye's side.

"Kingsley wants to speak with you." Mad-Eye grunted to her, leading her over to Kingsley. Kingsley waved Remus over as Tonks and Mad-Eye approached. Tonks grimaced slightly as she saw Lupin coming their way.

"Wotcher Kingsley," greeted Tonks, "What did you want to speak to me about?"

"Kingsley," Lupin said stiffly, standing as far away as possible from Tonks. Tonks's nerves stood on end at his proximity.

"Many of the defensive spells around the castle were cast by Dumbledore. I do not know if they will have stayed with his death. I would like the pair of you to check the borders of the school. Tonks, I know you helped cast some of the recent auror spells around the castle. The Ministry is weak right now; we must weave our own protection in with those in case it falls to the Death Eaters," Kingsley explained. They both nodded, albeit stiffly.

"Alright, King." Tonks turned and started walking towards the border of the school. Remus heaved out a sigh and hurried after her.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to let the two of them do this?" Mad-Eye grunted to Kingsley.

Kingsley gave a one-shouldered shrug, "Could be good for them, they might work out their issues."

He was wrong, oh so wrong.

When they returned, Remus was sporting a garish shade of green hair and looked absolutely livid while Tonks looked surprisingly smug.

"Girl, what the hell happened?"

"I tripped." She replied simply, "If that's all, I'll be going before the Toad finds a reason to scold me," Tonks nodded her head towards the woman dressed in pink, looking suspiciously in their direction. She made to move past Kingsley, who was looking incredibly unimpressed with the whole situation, but stumbled a bit. She righted herself while her cheeks flushed bright pink. She stalked away, just wishing that there weren't any charms blocking apparition, so she could just disappear into thin air.

"Lupin," growled Moody, turning to the younger man, "what happened? And I swear to Merlin if those defenses aren't solid, I will curse your hair permanently."

"She tripped," Remus started, and was instantly pinned with harsh glares from the two aurors, "while casting one of the spells and it hit me in the head."

Moody's eyebrows faded into his hairline, "Son, if you had been hit in the head with one of those spells, your hair color would be the least of your worries," he grunted gruffly.

Remus grimaced, "Yes, I'm well aware,"

"Well, then what the hell did you do?" Kingsley asked, crossing his arms over his chest. A small grin bloomed on Kingsley's mouth, "Oh, you said something about her hair, didn't you?"

"I-"

"Mister Shacklebolt, if I may have a moment," a ministry official called out to Kingsley, waving her arms enthusiastically.

Kingsley nodded to the other two before taking long, purposeful strides towards the woman.

Remus felt a ball of dread grow in the pit of his stomach as Moody's eyes, both of them, fixated on him harshly. "You leavin'?"

"Yes,"

"Walk with me, Remus," Moody didn't bother to wait for him, just trotted away, leaving the younger man behind.

With a resigned sigh, Remus jogged to catch the one-legged man, "Alastor,"

"We need to talk," Moody growled, his staff beating against the soft ground as they walked. "About Nymphadora," he added as if Remus didn't know already.

"Look, Alastor…"

"I ain't going to tell you how to live your life. Lord knows I've made some bad choices in my life. Hell, I'm missing half my bloody nose." Remus squirmed as Moody halted and spun around to face him.

"So then what are we talking about, Alastor?" spat Remus, his feet shifting into a defensive position, "If you are, as you claim, not meddling in my life, then I don't see what we have to talk about. Have a good day," Remus pushed past the grizzled auror roughly.

Remus froze mid step, his limbs fighting against the constrains of a spell. Moody grunted behind him, limping up to stand in front of Remus.

"Remus Lupin, would you stop acting like you're a fuckin' first year?" growled Moody, flicking his wand at Remus, releasing him from the spells. "Like I said, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but you've got to leave the poor girl alone. And talking about her hair? She just got that back and then you go and pick on her for it. You," Moody jabbed a stubby finger into Remus's chest, "caused her to lose her abilities because you are a fuckin' coward. I know that you think you have got everyone fooled. Hell, you got her fooled. I see the way you look at her when you think there isn't anybody around."

Remus felt his cheeks heating up with frustration and anger, "What's your point, Alastor?"

"You stay away from Nymphadora Tonks, you bastard," he hissed. Remus suddenly knew exactly why Moody was so feared – the man was an absolute nightmare.

"What do you think I've been trying to do?" Remus muttered through gritted teeth, his nails curling into his palms in irritation.

"Do it better then," Mad-Eye spun on his good leg and cobbled off, his normal clunking muted by the damp grass.

O-o-O-o-O

 **please drop me a note about what you thought.**

 **i do promise there is a happy ending, but things will get worse before they get better.**

 **say hey on tumblr: .com**

 **also shout out to the marscorp podcast for being a really solid soundtrack while i was fixing this up.**

 **~ebh**


	2. rome is also built on ruins

**our writing on the wall (is lorem ipsum after all)**

 **chapter ii. rome is also built on ruins.**

The summer dragged on. The entire country was dry and hot, and, in the wizarding community, filled with fear. People kept their chins to their chests as they rushed from one destination to another. Some didn't leave their homes; others fled the country; many tried to ignore the facts. The newspapers were filled with gruesome tales of entire families murdered in their beds and of vicious duels in the middle of crowded areas. The Order could barely keep its head above water with the increasing number of Death Eaters and attacks. Many Order members were in hiding and those who weren't were constantly moving around, trying to provide protection.

But all of the Order gathered to protect one person, Harry Potter.

Tonks sat at one end of the table, wedged between Mad-Eye and Kingsley. They were all watching as various members gave reports, none of which were positive. Tonks idly drummed her fingers against the weathered wood of the Weasley kitchen table.

"Does anyone else have any new reports to give?" Remus's voice cut through the chatter that had erupted after the last report. "No? Well then, we need to determine how we will extract Harry before his 17th birthday."

"I've 'ot an idea," a gravelly voice piped up from behind a cloud of smoke. The entire Order turned in a loud scraping of chairs.

"What is it, Mundungus?" Remus asked calmly, turning to face the other man.

"So the o'fer day, I was thinkin'," Mundungus began, taking a long drag of his pipe, much to Molly's distress.

"That's likely," Tonks muttered to Mad-Eye, who gave a little grunt and jabbed her in the ribs. Fred and George, a few seats over, had to stifle their laughter into their overly expensive-looking jackets. Tonks winked at them, leaning behind Mad-Eye.

"What if," Mundungus started, "there wa' more than 'on 'Arry Pott'ah."

"What do ya mean?" Mad-Eye barked, narrowing his eye at Mundungus.

'Dung turned lazily to look at Mad-Eye, "Polyjuice potion," he drawled, "Couple people take it an' then we've got o'fer Pott'ahs."

A murmur rose from the group, random voices rising above the rest. But everyone fell silent as Mad-Eye pounded his hand against the table. "Shut up. Right now it's the only plan we've got, how ever ridiculous."

"It's actually not too bad of a plan, you know." Remus interjected, "We could have, say, six others take the potion and then each will be escorted by an Order member. Side-along apparition?"

"Harry's still got the trace on him. He can't apparate." Tonks interjected, rather smugly if she did say so herself.

Remus ground his teeth together in frustration and said as calmly as possible, "And what do you suggest, _Nymphadora_?" Tonks's eyes narrowed at Remus, the tips of her hair flashing a dangerous red.

"Why don't we fly? The Death Eaters know that Harry's a good flyer. And maybe thestrals?" She kept her eyes fixated on Remus until he looked away uncomfortably.

"But who would be wiling to take the potion? To be disguised as Harry is a certain death sentence." Remus replied, sliding his eyes across the room. "I don't suppose you have a solution for that too,"

Tonks shifted forward, but Mad-Eye pressed his hand into the crook of her arm, restraining her slightly. Kingsley, in his slow, steady manner, said, "Who here would be willing to take the potion?"

There was a mixed chorus of yeses and nos. "Remus, you can not really be thinking of doing this!" Molly Weasley shouted above the din.

"Molly," Remus began wearily, "there is no," Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, "there is very little we can do. We must get him out of there as soon as possible, before he turns 17. 'Dung's plan lets us extract Harry and provide adequate protection."

And thus it was decided that Harry Potter would be guarded by 13 Order members.

O-o-O-o-O

It was times like these that Tonks _really_ hated her aunt, she thought as she rolled her broom away from the barrage of spells. Ron's hands were gripping a little too tightly to her waist as he rotated, trying to fend off their attackers. Tonks leaned forward, urging her trusty old broom to speed up. "Come on, come on, come on!" She muttered.

"Tonks!" Ron yelped, "Protego!" He shouted, a silvery shield expanding from his wand.

Tonks spun on her broom expertly. "Stupefy," One of their attackers fell back, his black robes billowing behind him.

One Deatheater flew up to their side while Tonks was exchanging curses with one of his masked brethren. He made a wild grab for Ron, who promptly punched him in the nose, howling out curses as he clutched at his hand.

Tonks sped up again, desperate to make it to Ron's Auntie Muriel's.

"Avada Kedavra!" A shrill, all too familiar voice cut through the wind. Tonks instinctually dove down, watching as the jet of green light disappear into the air above their heads. "Crucio!" Bellatrix shrieked, flying precariously close to them. The curse brushed against the exposed skin on Tonks' forearm and she nearly cried out in pain at the acute burning sensation.

"Fuck!" She shot a few haphazard curses in her direction.

Tonks' skill on a broom far out did her aunt's, but Tonks didn't have quite the same manic nature as her. So while Tonks maneuvered wildly, trying to throw Bellatrix off, Bellatrix was gleefully shooting hexes.

Bellatrix and another Deatheater flew up along the sides of their broom and it was all Tonks could do to weave around the curses. Ron was picking off the handful of Deatheaters on their tail, but he was no match for Bellatrix. Tonks leaned into her broom, speeding up while shooting a few slowing hexes behind her.

"Alright, kid, we're gonna switch!" She called over the howl of the wind. "You can fly right?"

"Yeah!" Ron called back, still sounding like Harry.

"You better fly damn well then," she barked, still urging the broom to go faster. "On three, I'm going to roll under and you're gonna slid forward."

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

"You're no match for Bellatrix, or any of them. No offense. On three!" She shouted, clutching her wand tightly. "1! 2! 3!" With the practiced ease of a chaser, Tonks rolled under the broom, hanging on with one hand. Ron vaulted to the front of the broom, steadying the handle as it wobbled with Tonks's violent movement. As Tonks held haphazardly onto the broom, she swore loudly, watching as her slowing jinx wore off.

Bellatrix's cackle carried across the night sky, blending with the whistling wind. "Oh Nymphadora!" She shot a nasty looking purple jinx at Tonks, who had to swing wildly to one side to avoid it. Tonks had to give Ron credit for his flying. The teenager managed to keep the broom under control despite the awkward weight of Tonks swinging below.

Using the momentum of her swing, Tonks managed to loft herself up on to the broom, facing backward. "Kid, let's go."

Ron shot off, his black hair flapping in the wind.

Tonks and Bellatrix were locked in a vicious duel, curses glancing off of shield charms. It was all Tonks could do to block the curses, and shout out to Ron which way to weave. Bellatrix was laughing with glee as spells poured from her wand in every different color. "Roll!" Tonks screamed, and Ron obliged, tossing the broom to the side and allowing the series of spells Bellatrix had fired at them to pass harmlessly overhead.

Tonks whipped her wand towards her aunt as Ron righted the broom, shouting, "Bombarda!" The spell missed Bellatrix, but skimmed the tail of the broom, taking off a good chuck of the twigs.

Bellatrix responded with insults that were lost to the wind.

Another set of masked figures rose up near Bellatrix, sending a barrage of curses their direction.

"Protego maxima!" A massive cloud of silver burst from her wand and the spells glanced off harmlessly. Tonks send back a volley of her own, her wand slashing through the air. Two of the Deatheaters flew off of their brooms and into each other, and then crashing into on of their fellows as well. This caused all of the fliers to veer sharply away so to avoid getting hit by the others.

"How much further?"

"Nearly! Nearly!" Ron made a sharp left, tossing a few more off their tail.

"Crucio!" Bellatrix screamed, but this time, thankfully, it missed by a few feet. A particularly aggressive attacker tried to approach from above, but Tonks disintegrated his broom and levitated him back into the others.

"We need to get out of here!" Tonks released a stream of curse words as she tried to throw the Deatheaters off their trail.

"Weak girl! Foolish girl!" shrieked Bellatrix.

Bellatrix's face loomed into view, grinning madly. Tonks gritted her teeth, "Avada Kedavra!" Tonks watched as the green light missed the dark haired witch by mere centimeters. Bellatrix, still struggling with her broom, was forced to peel away, cursing madly.

"We have to switch again. I've got to pass the line first. On three. 1, 2, 3!" Tonks dropped off the broom again, swinging herself up quickly. Ron's hands clutched at her waist quickly, sliding back into place.

"There!" Ron shouted hoarsely in her ear, pointing down to a rather large house below. "That's it! That's Muriel's!"

Tonks steered the broom into a steep dive, worthy of a seeker and they hurtled through the protective barriers. However, she pulled out of her dive moments too late and sent them both sprawling across the lawn.

"Is that you Ronald?"

"Yes, Auntie Muriel," groaned Ron, rolling over in the dirt.

Tonks stood up hastily, offering Ron a helping hand. "Sorry 'bout that. You were brilliant by the way."

"Really? Thanks. You should tell Hermione that," he chortled nervously. "She never believes me."

"Ronald! Is that you? And who are you?"

"I'm Tonks." Tonks offered a hand, just as her mother had instructed. The elderly woman in front of her took it, but only very limply, as if Tonks had some sort of highly contagious disease.

"Tonks? Andromeda's daughter?" Muriel narrowed her eyes at the younger woman.

"Yes, ma'am. Do you know her?"

"I know of her," the woman replied imperiously, shepherding them inside. Tonks glanced up towards the protective shield. She could've sworn she saw a figure circling above, black hair swirling madly.

Tonks rushed into the large house, determined not to linger on thoughts of her mad aunt. Ron was grumbling in protest as his great-aunt fussed over him, critiquing the state of his hair.

"What time does the portkey leave?" Ron asked over the top of his great-aunt's head.

"It left ten minutes ago. We'll have to make a new one," She brushed her hair back, her fingers catching twigs and dirt. "Awesome," she moaned, combing her fingers through her neon pink hair.

"Tonks, what happened to your arm?" Ron gestured towards the angry looking burn on her forearm.

"Oh," she glanced down, only now aware of the shooting pain. "Must've been Bellatrix's cruciartus curse. I knew it only grazed me."

"Let me see," Muriel bustled over to Tonks, and Tonks shot Ron a glare as he laughed silently. "I better get some thing on that. I have just the thing. My grandmother used to give this to us. It'll heal you right up." Muriel whipped out her wand, a rather spindly, scary looking thing, and cast a quick summoning charm. An ancient looking bottle whizzed into the room and into Muriel's palm. Tonks stared at it apprehensively. "Here, drink up." Tonks took the bottle and downed a swig, the liquid instantly tearing at her throat.

Tonks clutched at her arm as the pain intensified.

"Feels better already, doesn't it, dearie?" Muriel clamped a hand down on Tonks's wounded arm.

"Yes, thank you, Mrs. Weasley," Tonks said through gritted teeth.

Muriel smiled at her sinisterly, although Tonks doubted it was meant to be like that. "I'll get you something to eat. I think that I've got some lovely fruitcake from Christmas. You both look peaky," she pinched Ron's cheek harshly before disappearing into what she could only assume was a kitchen.

"What the bloody hell was that?"

"Tasted like piss or somethin'." Tonks laughed, probing her arm with her wand softly, "Well it didn't help this."

"I didn't know that the cruciartus curse could leave a mark."

"Yeah, sometimes they do. Especially if it just grazes you, most curses can leave a mark." Tonks explained, still attempting to heal her arm, "Damn, my mum'll have to heal this. And we better get going." she added, glancing at her watch.

"Thank Merlin. I can't stand her sometimes," Ron moaned, falling back into an antique chair.

Muriel reappeared, pinning Ron with a stern glare for sitting in one of her chairs, a frightening fruitcake balanced in one hand. "Here we are," She gestured for Tonks to sit and passed her a plate of fruitcake.

Tonks stared at it in horror, but dutifully took a bite as Muriel watched her. She choked down a few more bites, deciding that even her own cooking was better than this cake, if you could call it that. Ron was doing a far worse job on disguising his disgust for the food.

"Er, Muriel, we really ought to get going. Our portkey…"

"You can make a new one," Muriel cut her off quickly, "Now tell me Ronald, how has your schooling been going?"

Ron's cheeks instantly flamed red, "It's alright, Auntie Muriel,"

"And you, Miss. Tonks?"

"I'm an auror."

Muriel's noise wrinkled momentarily but nodded, "You're not married, are you?"

Tonks's cheeks almost turned as pink as Ron's, but she replied, "No, much to my mother's distress. Now, Mrs. Weasley, we really-"

But Muriel was already talking over her.

Tonks pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"For the love of Morgana," hissed Tonks. She dug through her pockets, looking for something to make into a portkey. She could only find an old can of mints, but it would have to do. Luckily, Ron choose that moment to talk boisterously about why a quidditch player was a perfectly reasonable career path, so Muriel would not hear Tonks mutter the portkey spell.

"Uh, Muriel, this cake was absolutely wonderful." Tonks began in her best impression of her mother, "But we really must be going. I've made a portkey, so we need to be going

Muriel turned away from Ron, a sneer blossoming across her face, "Oh, I suppose so,"

"We'll fly out, if that's alright with you." Tonks added, drifting towards the door.

Tonks picked up her broom, quickly mounting it. Ron sidled up awkwardly behind her. Tonks pushed off of the ground easily, flying just outside the protective shield. Tonks held out the old mint tin, winking at the teenager. Ron grabbed it eagerly. "3, 2, 1."

Tonks felt a sharp tug in her gut, spinning away, and then crashing into the ground, after a desperate attempt to keep the broom in the air. Pebbles and dirt sprayed upwards as Tonks, the broom, and Ron toppled over each other. "I never could stick the landings," she groaned, dropping the tin and rolling over. "You alright, Weasley?"

"You really need to work on your landings," Ron mumbled, "That's two in one night, mate."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Tonks stood to her feet, brushing dirt off her pants. Tonks offered a hand to Ron, who was beginning to look more like Ron again. The pair of them began to walk down the long path to the Burrow.

"Thanks." Ron blurted out, "You know for, ya know everything."

"Anytime, Ron. Don't sell yourself too short," She gave him a playful shove as they reached the far-reaching light of the Burrow.

A figure with bushy hair came flying towards them. Tonks's fingers tightened around her wand, but relaxed as Hermione latched on to Ron. "I thought – I thought – "

"'M fine. 'M alright, really, 'Mione."

"He was brilliant," started Tonks warmly, "Stunned some of those Death Eaters like he was a bloody auror or something. And when you're aiming from a moving target-"

"You did?" Hermione pulled away, looping her arm through his and leading him back towards the house.

Tonks followed after them, the throbbing in her arm increasing. After two broom crashes in one night, and the adrenaline wearing off, pain was seeping into her body. She could feel the full affects of every spell that hit her, especially Bellatrix's crucio.

"They're back!" She could hear Hermione shouting and a rush of people poured out of the house.

One figure rushed towards her, wand raised. Tonks pulled her own from inside her long coat, raising it as well. _Remus, excellent, just what I need_ , Tonks thought drily, as the man's face was illuminated.

"Why were you delayed?" He advanced carefully, "Your portkey arrived without you. Where were you?"

"Bellatrix fucking Lestrange, Lupin! She was after us the whole damn time, so excuse me for not getting murdered by my fucking crazy aunt!" Tonks held her wand up as well.

"She couldn't have held you for that long." Remus continued to flick his wand at her face, which she did not appreciate.

"Fuck off, Lupin," She hissed, pushing past him roughly.

But he was having none of it, grabbing her arm and yanking her back. "Security question, Nymphadora,"

"Fine then, ask away. It's a waste of bleeding time, but ask away."

"What color was your hair when we first met?"

Tonks rolled her eyes in an exaggerated manner, twisting her arm out of Lupin's grasp. "I change my hair every day. How on earth would I remember that day? It's not like it was important or memorable. That's cute that you think I would remember." _That's a lie_ , her mind thought traitorously. A flinch rushed through Remus, much to Tonks's delight, "Now would you let me go?"

"You know I can't do that!"

Tonks let out a short laugh, "You know you're being ridiculous. I can't-"

"You need to answer a question, Nymphadora!" Remus's wand was back up in her face.

 _CRASH!_ A broom crashed to the ground behind Tonks, causing both of them to turn their wands away from each other and towards the new arrival. A large figure stood slowly, supported by a large staff.

"Mad-Eye!" Tonks called out happily, but did not lower her wand. "What was the first thing you said to me when you became my mentor?"

Mad-Eye lumbered towards them, "I told ya' that you better not do anything stupid. And then you fell down a flight of stairs. That was pretty stupid, girlie." Tonks lowered her wand as Mad-Eye approached.

Mad-Eye nodded at her, a tight grin on his lips. Remus, however, turned his wand back on Tonks. "You still haven't answered a question."

"Fuck off, Lupin." Tonks's wand was back up as well, "You haven't answered one yet."

"Yes, he has," interjected Kingsley, who had joined the commotion.

Mad-Eye grunted in greeting before saying, "Lupin, she can't be imitated. She's a metamorphagus, for Merlin's sake."

"That's what I was trying to say." Tonks threw her hands up in frustration. "It's a wonder you were allowed to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts."

The anger on Lupin's face faded away and he promptly turned on his heel to return to the house.

"Fuck," Tonks grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose, "I'm just a fucking disaster." Mad-Eye clapped her on her shoulder and shoved her back towards the house. "Wait, Mad-Eye, where's Dung?"

"The bastard disapparated at the first sight of trouble." The older man grunted, his words accentuated by the thud of his staff.

Kingsley, walking on Moody's other side, let out a disgusted sigh, "We never should've let him on this mission. He's a liability."

"Ya don't say," huffed Mad-Eye as they entered the warmth and light of the Burrow. They were pushed out of the way as Molly rushed out to greet the final pair, Bill and Fleur.

They followed the voices into the large, cozy living room. The Weasleys were huddled around the couch, where George was resting, joking about with Fred. Tonks watched the twins crack jokes about George's ear with a levity she wished they could all have. She scraped her ring fingernail against the rough skin of her thumb as she leaned against the wall, her muscles moaning in protest.

Molly, Bill and Fleur joined the rest, Molly instantly fussing over everyone. The Weasley family, plus Harry and Hermione, closed around George, who was grinning and laughing cheerfully. Molly bustled off to the kitchen, searching for food for her guests. Remus drifted off to help her, a dour look lingering on his face.

"So you and Weasley made it to Muriel's alright?" Kingsley asked, his low voice drifting over the din of the Weasley clan.

"You mean, did I not get killed by my aunt? No, no, I made it out, relatively unscathed." Tonks laughed stiffly, "She is really out to get me," sighed Tonks, weariness slipping into her tone. "Me an' Ron missed our portkey at Muriel's because of her."

Kingsley rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "You'll be fine, Tonks. You always are." He shot another kindly smile in her direction. "I need to get back to Downing Street. I should've been there an hour ago." Kingsley patted her shoulder once more and then moved to make his goodbyes with the rest.

"Tonks, dear, would you like some tea?" Molly called from the kitchen.

"No, thanks, Molly,"

"Girl, c'mere." Mad-Eye grunted in her direction, where he, Bill, Arthur, and Remus were gathered. "We had a leak."

"Who do you think it was? Somebody here?" Arthur asked nervously, glancing around the room.

"It had to be Fletcher." Mad-Eye interjected, his magical eye whizzing. Tonks nodded in agreement, her eyes focused on Moody.

"So what do we do then?" asked Bill.

"Nothing," Remus added, "Fletcher's long gone. He'll show up eventually, but he won't be a threat."

"How can you know he won't be a threat?" hissed Tonks. She didn't really disagree with him; it was more the premise of agreeing with him.

Remus turned to her, a cold expression in his usually kind eyes, "Really, _Nymphadora_? It's a wonder you're allowed to be an auror." He echoed her words, "Fletcher was probably under Veritaserum, I would guess Severus. Fletcher'll just crawl back in his hole."

Tonks glowered at him, "He still knows the locations of many of the safe houses. How do we know he won't get fooled again and tell the Deatheaters the location of a safe house? How can we allow somebody with that knowledge to wander around?"

"Tonks makes a good point," Bill said steadily, "We've put these people in harm's way. We shouldn't add another threat because we don't think 'Dung is a threat." Tonks could've kissed Bill for agreeing with her.

"You're always saying 'constant vigilance', Mad-Eye. I don't think it's very vigilant to let Fletcher wander around where a Deatheater, particularly Snivillous, might find him."

Moody nodded, "Yes, I think you're right. We'll find the bastard and wipe his memories of any Order material. Then he can't tell anyone, even Snape." Tonks felt a rush of pride as her mentor agreed with her, "Tonks, you an' me can go looking for him in a few days."

Remus let out a huff of irritation, raking his eyes over the room in frustration. Thankfully, Molly, in all her maternal glory, bustled over to their small group. "Tea?"

Remus replied with a polite yes. Mad-Eye grunted something about getting something stronger. And Tonks attempted to leave, only to be caught in Molly's mother henning.

"Tonks, what on earth happened to your arm?" Molly hastily rolled back the sleeve of Tonks's jacket.

"It's nothin', Molly. Really, I'm fine." Tonks attempted to wriggle out of Molly's grasp, but to no avail.

"Girl, why didn't ya say anything?" Mad-Eye growled, leaning in for a closer look. "Cruciartus?" Tonks nodded glumly, "Nasty buggers, aren't they?"

"Who did it?" Bill asked.

Tonks fought the urge to roll her eyes, "Who do you think? Bellatrix."

"She always did favor that one."

"She's a sick, sadistic bitch," Molly gasped, glancing towards her children. "My mother's words, not mine." Tonks added with a sardonic grin, "I nearly had 'er. I was this close," she indicated with her fingers.

Remus, who had remained quiet throughout the whole discussion, said softly, "You should get some ice on that. It will help with the swelling." Tonks glanced up at him, her eyebrows raised in surprise at his small olive branch.

"Thanks, Lupin," replied Tonks, her voice a bit rougher than she would've expected.

"Would you like me to heal it?" Molly asked, already pulling out her wand. Tonks was sure that the older witch was proficient in small cuts and bruise, maybe the occasional burn judging on Fred and George's knack for pyrotechnics. But a complicated burn from an unforgivable? She needed somebody with more experience.

"Oh, no thanks, Molly. But I think I'll just head home and get my mum to do it. She did run St. Mungo's dark magic ward for a number of years." Tonks explained, feeling a bit guilty for the hurt expression on Molly's face, but this was her arm she was talking about.

"Alright, dear. Are you sure you won't stay for a cup of tea?"

"No, I'm sorry, Molly. But my mum and dad must be beside themselves. And I need Mum to take a look at this." She gestured to the angry burn on her forearm. "Mad-Eye, do you need me tomorrow?" The man gave a one armed shrug, "You know where to find me. Thanks Molly for your hospitality."

Molly smiled kindly at her, "Oh it is no problem at all. Thank you, dear, for taking care of Ron. I worry about him."

"Ron was brilliant, Molly. Thank him again for me," Tonks flashed one more smile at the others before finally ducking out the door. She rushed to the border of the enchantment, apparating away in a crack.

O-o-O-o-O

Tonks nearly passed out with sheer exhaustion as she stumbled out of the small alleyway. Her muscles ached painfully, and the wound on her arm was certainly making itself known. Mindlessly, she walked towards her parents' home. A car backfired a few streets away, causing Tonks to jump a bit and clutch at her wand.

The familiar shape of her parents' home loomed ahead. Tonks sighed in relief as she passed the edge of the protective charms.

"Dora!" Her father called out from the doorway. "Oh, 'Meda, she's alright! I told you she'd be fine." He burst out of the doorway, followed closely by his wife.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, Dad," she mumbled into his shoulder. He ran a soothing hand down her back, his breathing a bit unsteady.

"Thank Merlin, Nymphadora." Andromeda sighed, shepherding her family inside. "When the Potter boy showed up, I couldn't help, but- I couldn't help but think-" Andromeda pulled her daughter out of her husband's arm and into her own. Andromeda carded her fingers through Tonks's neon hair, "I hate that you're in danger, Nymphadora."

"I'm sorry, Mum. I'm alright."

"Thank the gods for that." Tonks fell back into one of the chairs once her mother released her. It had been a long time since she had flown a broom in such a way, and it was grueling.

"Mum, can you fix me up a bit?" Tonks asked, careful to keep her tone light and casual.

"Of course, Dora. What is it this time?"

"Well there's the regular bruises and cuts." Andromeda pursed her lips, her eyes falling on the web of cuts on one of her daughter's cheeks. "But I've also got this," Tonks gently rolled her jacket up, easing it around the wound.

"Dora!" Andromeda gasped.

"What is it?" Ted asked, leaning in in interest. "Jesus, Dora, what happened?"

"Ted, please bring me an ice pack, quickly." Tonks winced a bit as her mother began poking and prodding at the skin around the damage. "Cruciatus?"

"Yep,"

Ted returned, a brightly colored ice pack in hand, "There you go, 'Meda. Dora," he sighed, squeezing her shoulder lightly as she let out a gasp of pain.

As her mother lay the ice pack on her arm, Tonks tried to focus on her breathing. "How bad is it, Mum?" Tonks asked through gritted teeth.

Waving her wand, Andromeda cursed slightly under her breath. "Bellatrix," she hissed, her eyes dark with anger.

"Mum?"

"It was Bellatrix, wasn't it?" Tonks nodded, watching her mother curiously. "She always did like this one."

"What one?" Ted asked, fear seeping into his voice.

"The cruciatus curse."

A pained expression crossed Ted's normally jovial face, "I thought that couldn't leave a mark?"

"It only skimmed me, and from close range," interjected Tonks. "Damn it, Mum! That hurt!" Tonks yelped as a glowing teal light covered her arm. "What was that?"

"Calm down, Nymphadora. It will help extract the dark magic. It might take a while. Bellatrix's curse was strong."

"I know that," Tonks threw her head back against the chair back. "Fuck,"

"Language, Nymphadora," Andromeda said, still monitoring the charm over her daughter's arm.

"So what is that spell?"

"It can heal the affects of the cruciatus curse if there are physical markers. _She_ learned early on that if you cast it close enough to your victim, you could leave a physical mark." Andromeda suppressed a wince as memories overwhelmed her. "It's rare that she does it, but it hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?"

"Language, Mum," laughed Tonks, still wincing a bit.

"You need to rest, Dora," Andromeda said softly. "Can you walk?"

"I hurt my arm, not my spine."

"Fine then, go to your room." Andromeda's tone left no room for argument and Tonks nodded, quickly marching up to her room. "Keep your arm elevated!"

O-o-O-o-O

 **sooo...i'm a complete softie apparently and couldn't kill off moody. sorry not sorry.**

 **say hey at mistletoe-prongs on tumblr**

 **chapter title comes from "ruins" by eliza griswold**

 **disclaimer: all of the characters and the world belong to j.k. rowling**

 **next chapter will probably be up on wednesday when i'm down with my exams. also i thought this would only be three chapters, but i think it's gonna be closer to 5, maybe 6.**

 **~ebh**


	3. so many stars and still we starve

_our writing on the wall (is lorem ipsum after all)_

 _chapter iii. so many stars and still we starve_

Tonks let out a beleaguered huff of breath as she took off running. Fletcher (the bloody wanker, Tonks supplied) had been hiding out in Muggle Glasgow and now was attempting to sprint away from the two Order members. Tonks darted past people, knocking into a few and shouting out half genuine apologies.

Mundungus, luckily, was easy to spot. He made a sharp turn down an alleyway, his legs flailing behind him.

"Damn it," muttered Tonks, picking up her speed. "Fletcher!" She called out as she skidded around the corner.

Fletcher, by some miracle of science, had managed to scramble over a small fence. Tonks shot a stunner towards him, but missed by a few feet. She launched over the pile of boxes, nearly falling as her boot clipped one. Tonks righted herself and shot a tripping jinx towards the man. Fletcher managed to dodge it by making another sharp turn. Tonks accelerated again, only to find Mad-Eye standing there, his staff resting impressively in front of him.

Fletcher was squirming on the ground.

"Glad you could join us, _Nymphadora_."

Tonks leant back against the brick wall. "I really, really hate it when you do that." She gasped, her breathing hitched and short.

Moody advanced on Fletcher, both eyes fixed on the other man. "Fletcher!" barked Moody, causing Fletcher to yelp and cover his head.

"I di'n't take anyfin' important I swear! Sirius didn' even want any of it!"

Moody let out a low chuckle.

Tonks, having regained her breath, strolled over to Moody's side, "It's really freaky when you laugh, Mad-Eye. It's downright unnatural."

"Shut it, girlie." Tonks gave a one armed shrug, holding out her wand towards Fletcher.

"Why'd you do it, Fletcher?" Tonks asked conversationally.

"Wha-what're ya talkin' 'bout?"

"You disapparated, you fucking coward," growled Moody, taking a threatening step towards Fletcher, who scrambled back. "One sight of Voldemort and you were gone. You could've compromised the whole operation."

"Who did you tell, just out of curiosity?"

"I didn' tell nobody!"

"Yes, you did, you lying scum!"

"Now, Mad-Eye," began Tonks, "that's not very good. I've heard much better than 'you lying scum!'" She said in her best impression of the retired auror. "What about 'ya filthy piece of shit of the earth!'? I've always like that one. Or a classic 'you fucking fucker', that's always great."

"Are you done?"

"Yep, continue on."

"We're gonna have to wipe your memories, you piece of shit,"

"Much better," rang Tonks.

"If you don't shut up, Nymphadora, I will make you do this. I know how much you enjoy casting memory charms."

"Don't call me Nymphadora." Fletcher took this moment to make a run for it, "Oi! No you don't." Tonks took a few steps before leaping after Fletcher. She tackled him to the ground, "How on earth does somebody manage to smell so bad?"

"I smell bette' than a 'erewolf." Fletcher muttered as Tonks hauled him to his feet. Tonks promptly kicked the back of his knee, causing him to drop in pain, howling curses at her.

"Do it, Mad-Eye."

Mad-Eye thudded his staff against the ground and a thin string of silver drifted towards Fletcher. A few moments later, Mad-Eye nodded, "We're good."

"Wha? Wha's goin' on 'ere?"

"You were just telling us how you've been stealing from Sirius?" supplied Tonks helpfully.

"I'll give it all 'ack if ya wan' it!" yelped Mundungus.

"Give it back to the boy. It's his by right," interjected Moody. "Girl, c'mon, we've got better things to do than stand around listening to this fucker."

"Nice one, Mad-Eye."

Moody grunted in mild irritation, grabbing her arm roughly and tugging her out of the back alley. Once they emerged from the alleyway, the skies opened up, drenching them in seconds.

"I fucking love Scotland."

O-o-O-o-O

Remus let out a low mournful howl to the moon as he paced through his home, his long limbs awkward amongst the human items.

Since Severus's betrayal, his transformations had been filled with the pain he knew all too well. Remus the man was forced to fight monthly with Remus the wolf, and the man very rarely won.

In an effort to free himself from the confines of the human home, the wolf threw himself against the wood door blocking his escape, only to be thrown back from the door. The wolf collapsed against a pile of clothes. He sniffed curiously through the pile of clothes. Something smelled wonderful.

He nosed a few sets of shirts away. At the bottom of the pile was a light blue jumper. The wolf sniffed it, pleased to find the source of smell. He nuzzled against the soft fabric, trying to recall the importance of the item.

A fleeting memory of pink flashed across his eyes. The wolf felt a stab of something coming from his human side, confused and hurt. With a contented sigh, the wolf lay back down by the jumper, a feeling of peace washing over him.

O-o-O-o-O

Nothing like a good old-fashioned fight at a wedding, Remus thought drily. Sirius had tried to start one at James and Lily's wedding, but Lily had nearly hexed him and she was the scariest of them all, so Sirius backed down. That didn't stop him from-

"Lupin, duck!" A voice shouted and Remus did, watching as a jet of red light danced over his head and hit a Deatheater.

When he looked to find the caster, he only saw a flash of light brown hair and the spin of a leather jacket—Nymphadora. Remus stood up quickly, disarming an incoming Deatheater.

He glanced over to where a few Order members were trying to get guests out. Tonks and Mad-Eye were trying to put out a fire that had erupted at the base of one of the tents.

 _The ministry has fallen_ , Kingsley's words echoed in his mind. If the ministry had fallen, then the ministry protections around the safe houses…

"Nymphadora!" He shouted, sprinting towards them. "Nymphadora. The safe houses."

"What are you talking about…" Tonks trailed off, "Oh fucking hell. Mad-Eye, I've got to get to my parents. They'll kill 'em!"

"Nymphadora, we need you here."

"There's like a million Order members here. I'm not letting my parents get killed because of me." Tonks took off on a sprint, Remus close on her heels.

"You won't be able to take them all on your own! I'm coming with you." Remus called out as they both vaulted over the low fence.

"Side-along then," She held out her arm, "This doesn't change a thing, Lupin,"

"Wouldn't-" he was cut off as they spun away, "dream of it." He stumbled away from her, nervous to touch her any further. She was already sprinting down the quaint streets towards what he could assume was her mum and dad's. Remus worked to catch up with her, nearly losing her as she rounded a corner.

As they reached the house at the end of the road, there was the distinctive crack of apparition around them. Tonks burst through the small gate at the front of the house, dancing over the loose brick in the path. She banged on the door, praying that her parents were out at dinner or something. The door flew open, "Nymphadora, what's that racket?"

"Mum, you've gotta get out! They're coming! The Ministry has fallen!" She gasped out, gesturing her arms wildly.

"Tonks! They're here!" Remus shouted, attempting to erect a shield charm as a flurry of curses came his way.

"Ted!" Andromeda called out, and her husband appeared at her side, wand already drawn.

A set of 5 Deatheaters had appeared outside their front gate, attempting to force their way through the protective charms.

The Tonkses rushed to join Lupin as he tried to fend them off. Andromeda, a look of determination and annoyance on her face, coolly knocked one of the Deatheaters out as he went flying through the air. Lupin had engaged another, dodging his spells with the grace of a dancer. Tonks and her father were fighting back-to-back, in a rhythm that could only come from years of familiarity.

"Crucio!" A deep voice bellowed and Ted dropped to the ground, writhing in pain. "Where is the boy?" The figure yelled, advancing on Ted. The curse ended, Ted gasping for breath. "We know he was here. Crucio!"

Tonks, having finally disposed of her attacker, glanced towards her father and took off running towards his attacker. Seeming to have forgotten her magic, Tonks launched herself onto the back of the hulking Deatheater, tearing at his wand arm. The Deatheater, in a state of shock, stopped his curse for a second, and Ted was able to scramble to his feet. While Tonks struggled on top of the man, Ted clocked him squarely in the jaw, and the man's eyes rolled to the back of his head. Tonks leaped off his back as he began to fall backwards.

"Nice one, Dad! Oi, you there!" She called out to the man who was dueling with Lupin. He looked up for a moment, only to be struck in the eye with a nasty stinging jinx. He clutched at his mask as the skin beneath it began to expand and burn. This gave Lupin the opening to stun the man.

The four looked around at the carnage from the small skirmish: the gate was hanging off its hinges, the carefully manicured flowerbeds were decimated, and there were five bodies scattered around the street.

"Everyone okay?" Ted asked, clutching at his side.

There was a chorus of yeses, and Andromeda added, "It's cute that they thought only five of them could take the house." Tonks let out a laugh, grinning broadly at the imperial look her mother wore.

"Lupin," Tonks muttered, "You should get back to the Weasley's. Thank you though." Lupin nodded, a bit uneasily.

"Uh… you're welcome." He nodded again, clearly unsure of what else to do. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say more, but thought better of it and turned away to disapparate.

"Dora, you alright?" Her father asked as she walked back towards them.

"Hmm? Yeah, Dad, I'm good. I'm going to strengthen your defenses though and take out any Ministry ones." After twenty minutes of grueling spellwork, Tonks joined her parents inside, where they were having a cup of tea.

"Here you go, love." Her mother handed her a cup of tea. Her father winked at her from behind Andromeda's back, pointing to his favorite bottle of whiskey. Tonks thanked her mother before curling up in her usual chair. "So…that was Remus Lupin?"

Tonks suppressed the urge to groan but nodded nonetheless. "Yes, he…uh…when Bill Weasley's wedding was attacked, he realized that they would be attacking the other Order safe houses. He offered to come with."

Andromeda raised her eyebrows a bit, but left it at that.

Ted let out a groan as he switched positions on the couch. "I see what you mean about a better diet, 'Meda."

"Ted, are you sure you're fine?" Andromeda asked again, moving to check him over again.

"I'm so sorry," began Tonks, catching her head in her hands. "Dad, you shouldn't even…Merlin, I'm sorry. I didn't even…"

"Nymphadora," Ted cut in. Tonks lifted her head; her dad _never_ used her given name. "Stop blaming yourself. That wasn't exactly the first time I've been tortured," Andromeda caught his hand, gently stroking his palm. "We've always been actively against You-Know-Who. It was inevitable that they'd come after us. Dora, do not blame yourself. C'mere," He pulled himself into a sitting position, beckoning her over. Tonks dropped down next to her father, who pulled her into tight hug and pressed a kiss to her temple. "We're fine. We're all fine."

O-o-O-o-O

Remus slipped into the entrance of Number 12 Grimauld Place, mindful of Walburga Black's portrait. Remus nearly tripped over his own feet as Moody asked, "Severus Snape?" The older man had not been too complimentary towards Remus in the past few months and had made it perfectly clear that he was willing to hurt Remus in order to protect his protégée.

"It was not I who killed you, Albus," The figure rushing towards him exploded into millions of dust particles. Remus let out a sigh of relief he hadn't even been aware of holding.

"Don't move!" A new voice yelled, but Remus could not make out whom it was. He hoped it was Harry or Ron. At the sound of the yell, Walburga's portrait burst to life. She began screaming insults down on the house's inhabitants. There was a crash on the other side of the dust cloud. The curtains were shut, effectively silencing the woman.

"Hold your fire, it's me, Remus!" He called out, holding his hands up above his head. The cloud of dust cleared, revealing the trio. Ron and Hermione both dropped their wands, expressions of relief crossed their terrified faces. But Harry's wand remained raised.

"Show yourself!"

Remus walked towards the voice, hands raised. "I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf. Otherwise known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map. The words to open that map are: I solemnly swear that I am up to no good; to close it are: Mischief managed. I taught you, Harry, how to cast a patronus and it takes the form of a stag.

Harry nodded, slowly lowering his wand, "Well I had to check, didn't I?"

"As your former professor, I would quite agree that you had to check. Ron, Hermione, don't be so quick to lower your defenses." He shot them a tired smile. They all bounded down the stairs to greet him. "No sign of Severus, then?"

"No," replied Harry, "What's going on? Is everyone okay?"

"Yes, but we're all being watched. There are a couple of Death Eaters in the square outside," all three nodded nervously, "I don't think they know you're in here or else there'd be more out there. They've got people staking out everywhere that's even got a remote connection to you, Harry. Let's go downstairs, there's a lot to tell you, and I want to know what happened after you left the Burrow." Hermione led them down to the kitchen, lighting the fire as she went. Remus pulled a couple of butterbeers from his cloak before sitting down.

"Cheers Remus!" Ron grinned widely at him as he popped the lid off his.

"You're welcome, Ron. I would have been here sooner, but I had to shake off the Death Eater tailing me. Did you three come here right after the wedding?"

"No," said Harry, "We ran into a couple of Death Eaters in a café on Tottenham Court Road." At Remus' expression, Harry continued, explaining the small skirmish in the muggle café. Hermione and Ron jumped in at various points with extra information.

"But how could they have found you so quickly?" Remus asked, his mind racing. There was no way that Harry could still have the trace on him, so how on earth had they tracked him?

Hermione spoke his thoughts aloud, "We wondered whether Harry could still have the Trace on him?" Her voice was tentative, something Remus was unused to hearing in her voice.

"The trace? No, it couldn't be. Harry's turned 17. The trace ends when you turn 17." Remus explained, tracing his fingers around the base of his bottle.

Ron's face lit up at his words, "That's what I said. I told you, didn't I? Didn't I, 'Mione?" Hermione rolled her eyes, but nodded anyway. Remus couldn't help but smile at the interaction.

"It could just be coincidence," Remus suggested.

Harry slapped his hand down on the table in frustration, "It's not that. Somehow," Harry pushed himself to his feet, "somehow, they know. Is there another leak in the Order?"

"Harry, everybody's been vetted."

"It wouldn't be the first time somebody slipped through your fingers, or are we conveniently forgetting, oh, I don't know, Snape?" Harry's voice reverberated around the kitchen.

Remus's mind drifted to a memory only a few years earlier. He and Sirius had been drinking in the kitchen when Tonks had burst through the door, complaining loudly about how Snape had sent her and Kingsley on a bad lead. Sirius and Tonks had both ranted loudly about Snape as the sound bounced off the wall.

"Come on, Harry," began Hermione.

"No, Hermione, they trusted him. And now Dumbleore's dead. They trusted Mundungus and look what happened. Moody almost got killed by Voldemort. Tonks almost got killed by Bellatrix. You all were at risk because we trusted the wrong person. So excuse me for not entirely trusting the Order,"

Hermione reached out for him, but Harry brushed her hand aside.

"I'm going upstairs," Harry muttered before turning sharply and disappearing upstairs.

Ron and Hermione both moved to follow him. "I'll go and talk to him. He's just like his father," Remus said fondly as he drained the last of his butterbeer.

"What are you doing here, Remus?" Harry asked as Remus entered the drawing room. Harry's voice was colder than Remus had ever heard it. The boy who had come to him for advice four years ago was missing and the man hardened by war was present.

"Your father-"

" _My_ father would've wanted his best friend to be happy."

"Harry," Remus scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration, "I just want to help you. Just as I helped James and Lily. They wouldn't want this for you. I want to honor their memories."

"Honor their memories by being happy. They wouldn't want to see you like this."

Remus let out a grunt, shook his head, and then moved to leave. "Fine, Harry, if you truly don't want my help, then I'll leave."

"I see the way you look at her." Remus froze, his shoulders hunching protectively over. "Tonks, I mean. You love her, don't you?" Remus's hands curled into fists, a desperate attempt to stop his mouth. "I'm not going to pretend to understand your choices, Remus, but I want you to be happy. And I think they would too."

Wordlessly, Remus left Grimauld Place.

O-o-O-o-O

Tonks's quest to avoid Remus Lupin at all costs was going quite well, all things considered. Mad-Eye, who had become de facto head of the Order following Dumbledore's death, had been careful to keep the pair of them apart. Things were less hostile than they had been in the past months after the attack on the Tonks home. But they could still barely be in the same room as each other without one or the other making a biting remark. Molly Weasley was relentless in getting the two of them to talk, despite Tonks's best efforts to make her desist.

Bill had told her in muted tones how Remus had tried to join Harry, but the boy had effectively told him he didn't need him. Tonks felt bad, to some extent, for Lupin, but conversely, the part of her with the broken heart, felt nothing for him at all.

In the weeks following the attack on her parents', Tonks had taken to spending the night there, both for her sanity and for their protection. Her mother knew exactly what she was doing, but chose not to say anything. Despite the fact that there was a war going on, Tonks had never been so bored in her life. The Order was too small to do anything of note, and with the loss of the Ministry, there wasn't much they could do safely.

And the meetings! They were absolute hell.

Tonks drummed her fingers against the arm of the chair in whoever's home they were in (she was pretty sure it was Moody's most recent house). As per usual, nobody had anything of note to say. Yes, there are Deatheaters. Yes, they are blowing up shit. No, we're not doing anything about it. Of course, the Ministry is useless. There was nothing of fucking note.

"…Bellatrix Lestrange." Tonks's head snapped up; that name always caught her attention. "She and her husband have been leading raids against various suburban muggle communities. There have been high muggle casualties." Kingsley's calming voice somehow managed to those awful acts seem minutely less awful.

Mad-Eye glanced at her sudden movement, "Staying awake there, kid?"

"Always, Mad-Eye, always."

"Does anybody have anything further?" Kingsley asked as he moved to sit down.

"I do." Everybody turned in their chairs to look at Molly, who had stood up, a rather severe expression on her face. "I'd like to address the creation of Potterwatch by Fred and George." There was an uncomfortable murmur around the room. Arthur tugged at his wife's sleeve in an attempt to get her to sit down. "I know that some of you have been helping them!" She gestured towards Lupin and Kingsley. "It has to stop!"

"Molly," began Lupin in the most diplomatic tone he could muster, "this isn't the time nor the place."

Molly pinned him with such a frightening glare that Tonks was sure they could've defeated every last Deatheater with it.

"All of my children are in danger! Bill and Charlie are in the Order! Percy's in the Ministry! Fred and George are agitating the Deatheaters!" Molly's voice was beginning to reach frighteningly high levels, "Ginny's at Hogwarts!" She rounded back on to Remus, "And Ron's with Harry. And you couldn't protect them!" Lupin's usually pale face lost a few more shades. Arthur pulled his wife into a hug, running a soothing hand down her back as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"I think it's best for us to return home," Arthur said, his voice shaking.

Kingsley nodded, at a loss for words. Everybody watched as the red haired couple left the room. Remus clutched at his face, waves of self-deprecation rolling off of him. Tonks's initial instinct was to comfort him, but stopped herself as Mad-Eye stood beside her.

"I think that concludes this meeting. You all know what you have to do." There was a pause as everybody looked around, "Dismissed." Mad-Eye barked. "Get the hell out of my house," he grunted under his breath.

Lupin stood, his scarred face lined with self-pity.

"Lupin?" Tonks began cautiously, "Are you alright?"

"Hmm?" He looked up, surprise crossing his eyes.

"Molly shouldn't have put you on the spot like that."

"She shouldn't have put me on the spot? Really, Nymphadora?" He sneered. Tonks recoiled at the harshness in his voice. "I'm glad you feel that way."

"Look, Lupin, I didn't mean…"

"Maybe you should think before you talk then,"

"Fuck off, Lupin. I was just trying to be nice."

"I don't need your pity, Nymphadora."

"Don't you dare call me Nymphadora. You lost that right a long time ago." She snapped, turning on her heel sharply.

She stormed out of the house, nearly tripping over a chair.

O-o-O-o-O

chapter title from tasos leivaditis' "a manual for euthanasia"

disclaimer: all the characters and the world belong to j.k. rowling

this is really just kinda a filler chapter if i'm being entirely honest. the next one will be more action packed and all that jazz. this is definitely slow burn i'm afraid.

also i think it'll now be 7 chapters, rather than the original three i thought it would be.

also regarding a question somebody had about remus' low key bitchy attitude: the way I see it, lupin would do anything to protect tonks, and at this point in time, he is trying to help her get over him, but he's also wildly stressed and they just seem to push each other's buttons like nobody else. at this point, we're almost through them actually at each other's throats, but they are nowhere near reconciling and won't be for a while.

say hi on tumblr: mistletoe-prongs.

~ebh


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